Both Sides of the Fence

Sue George wrote about the “otherness” that pervades bisexuality. We’re the sexual minority, often unheard, glossed over, seen as the promiscuous, dirty side of homosexuality. Quite often you read about the lesbian community, the gay community, the transgender community, or the LGBTQ community that includes all of us. On very rare occasions do you see the term “bisexual community”, since, as such, we don’t quite have one. While inclusivity within the Rainbow is wonderful, many of the issues we deal with as bisexuals are distinctly different from those of other sexualities. Even within the bi-o-sphere, men and women are viewed differently. Women are hypersexualized, glamorized as “bi chicks”, eminently desirable as a gateway to fulfillment of that ol’ threesome fantasy. Bisexual men are vilified or seen as unattractive. To many in the gay and lesbian communities we’re seen as “straddling the fence”, unable to shake loose the bonds of heterosexuality. Rather than straddling it, however, we see both sides much more clearly.

I’ve been told many times not to expect to be “taken seriously” because of my bisexuality, and I’m sure many of you are familiar with that old myth, “bisexuals just don’t exist”. I think that attitude is due in large part to “strictly” homosexual people, both gay and lesbian, that use bisexuality as a stepping stone on their way to fully coming out. They are the ambivalent ones, but we carry the brunt of their insured and insecurity, thus making it harder for us to be seen as a real community. Having starlets using it as a ploy to gain more media attention doesn’t freaking help, either. And then there are women who see bisexuality as a way to garner attention from men for themselves. With both homosexual and heterosexuals using it as a phase, it’s no wonder bisexuals aren’t taken seriously.

So what to do about it? The only ones who can change this perspective are bisexuals. Break down the fence. Your sexuality is yours, not something that someone else decides. Don’t let others speak for us. Make your voice heard. Say it here, say it on your blog, say it anywhere. Whisper it quietly to yourself. It counts, even if you’re the only one to hear.


Welcoming a New Author

As you may have noticed, I’ve invited a new author to join this blog: cheerios. I’d capitalize that, but I’ll stick with the submissive lowercase he chose. He’ll be able to give a unique male perspective that I can’t provide, being female and all. Sue George’s blog, Bisexuality and Beyond, is the only other blog out there that’s a non-personal blog (and still the best, Sue!) specifically about bisexuality. If you’ve ever searched for relevant information about bisexuality in the blogosphere, you’ve come across her site. That’s how I came upon it, and as much as I adore her writing, I’m frustrated by the lack of bi-perspective I find on the internet. There are many, many resources and blogs out there about bisexuality—as an adjunct to homosexuality, almost a tagged-on afterthought. With Cheerios writing for the guys, and I for the girls, I hope we can shine a brighter light on bisexual experiences. So, welcome, stud!

Bisexuality, Relationships

First Post, First Love, First Kiss

Warm greetings, everyone. Mercy has been kind enough to let me join her bisexuality blog, so you’ll get a chance to know me through my posts. I have to warn you up front, I’m a guy, so if you were just looking for hot girl on girl discussion, you’ll have to ignore me.

I think a common misconception is that bisexuality is just about sex, attraction and lustful desire. I haven’t heard much discussion about loving people of both genders, but I know it happens. My first love (and my first lover) was a guy, and my best friend.

Jayson and I were both 12 years old, almost 13 really. We lived in the same apartment complex, and did everything together. He went on family vacations with us, I went with him to stay at his dad’s farm for a week over Christmas. Every day after school we would go fishing in the pond behind the apartments, and there is even a picture in our 8th grade yearbook with our arms around each other’s shoulders. “Like peas and carrots,” as Forrest Gump would say, and at some point friendship turned into more.

The way we ended up having sex is, I assume, pretty common. Boys being boys, and curious, we started masturbating with each other in the room when we had sleepovers. Jayson couldn’t yet ejaculate, so he was fascinated by the fact that “goo” would come out of my dick, and things progressed from him watching me jerk off to him jerking me off to see me cum. That was as far as things went for a very long time (for a pre-teen, that is). It was almost 6 months before we had the conversation.

“Well, I’d put one in my mouth, I guess, uh, just once, just to see what it was like.” – c
“Yeah, I guess I would too. I sure do wanna fuck somebody!” – j
“Me too.” – c
“Hey, I’ve got an idea, do you want to buttfuck?” – j

And there it was. He had put it out there, as brave as hell for a 13 year old. Needless to say, I ended up getting my anal cherry popped that night. Things didn’t work the other way, though. Like I said, I was more developed than Jayson, and my 13 year old pecker was just too big for him. It kinda always worked that way. Sexually, Jayson had all the power over me, and he knew it. Not in a kinky kind of way, though I did beg him to paddle me with the flat wooden stock from my Daisy Red Ryder BB gun a couple of times, but in a he controlled the timing, the pacing, and set the boundries as to what was acceptable and what would make us “queers” as he put it, kinda way.

For example, I wanted to kiss Jayson so bad that my lips would swell whenever he walked in a room. I begged him to kiss me, with his tongue, on a daily basis, but he refused. He had two excuses that he would whip out on different days. First, he thought kissing put us in danger of “being gay”. I’m not really sure how pumping his dick in and out of my ass didn’t pose a threat, but hey, whatever. The second was that he “wanted to leave something for (me) to experience with a girl”, but he only started using that one after he got his first girlfriend. They would make out behind the parked school buses during lunch. Still, he came to me for what she wouldn’t give him. I had become second choice. He was still my first.

Eventually, Jayson’s mother remarried and he moved to Florida. I never did get that kiss, not from him anyway, and I regret that. I bet it would have been fantastic. Not some aggressive, mega-macho, face smashing BrokeBack Mountain man kiss, but just the right mix of affection and desire; a kiss of gentle insistence, like the tugging at my heart reminding me that I did love this person as he packed up the moving van one August morning.



Shy Bi Girls & Guys

I’m usually a little leery about women who confess that they’re bi-curious. I feel that many of them are supposedly so inclined out of a desire to appear more attractive to men. I recently encountered a girl (forgot her name, damn me) who told me she was curious about being with a woman. Curious about these women myself, I ran a search on bi-curious women, and was pleasantly surprised by the site at the top of the list.

From the ShyBi-Girls front page:

We’d like to think you have just found one the best sites dedicated to Bi, and Bi-curious women from all over the world ! Our goal is to provide a non-threatening, safe and sleaze-free forum just for bi and bicurious girls exploring their bisexuality . You will be able to ask questions, have discussions, post pictures, read about others bi experiences and of course, perhaps meet women in your area.

For once, it’s not a porn site featuring threesomes. Which is great for women who are looking for information about bisexuality. It can be frustrating, wading through pornography for something you know is there, but is almost too deeply buried to be found. One of the things I liked most about this site is how they act to keep “undesirables” out. There’s an open chat on Thursdays, and for those with fifty forum posts or more. I haven’t yet signed up for an account, but I plan to do so today. I’m not struggling with my bisexuality, but I remember how difficult it was when I was a teenager, and I’ve seen up close what it can do to adult women who are trying to come to terms with their sexual identity. Quite a few people helped me come out; I’m not entirely sure I could have done it on my own. Now it’s time to pay it forward.

This is a free site, and there’s a brother site for guys that has personals and a forum for open discussions: Shy Bi Guys.

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Bisexuality, Society

My Apperceived Bisexuality Bias

I had a peculiar encounter at the gym this afternoon. I was sitting in the steam room, eyes demurely downcast when a woman sat down across from me and addressed me directly.

“Are you the lesbian everybody’s talking about?”

I was surprised, but just relaxed enough not to let it show on my face. I hadn’t known I was The Lesbian of my local gym. In fact, there’re a few there, and I wondered why she’d single me out as the one. I regarded her solemnly, a trifle coldly; my eyes roving down her body insultingly before capturing her gaze. I wanted this to stick.

“No,” I assured her. “I’m the other one.”

I wasn’t in the mood for any idiotic nonsense from a complete stranger. All that I’d wanted to do was melt into the wood of my bench after my token workout. I did not want to verbally fence with yet another person on a mission to convert the dissident, who didn’t even have an ounce of civility. Go away, I willed her mentally. This is not the droid you’re looking for.

She surprised me again when she laughed and said, “Good!” It wasn’t the nervous giggle I almost invariably get when another woman discovers my sexuality, nor the false-hearty rejoinder that loosely translates to “I’m not homophobic!” For once, I wasn’t frustrated that my Jedi mind trick hadn’t worked. (It never does, and I never fail to feel a pang of disappointment.) This woman definitely gave me the impression that she was interested in me, if not sexually, at least as a real person. While it doesn’t bother me much anymore that I don’t always get that consideration, I can definitely appreciate the fact when I do get it.

The woman and I chatted amiably enough, and I was glad that I hadn’t insulted her the way I’d intended to. I did apologize for being so off-putting, and mentioned that I was relieved to see that I hadn’t made her uncomfortable. She assured me that I didn’t give off any “vibes” that would have. Maybe it was synchronicity at work, so shortly after having posted a fantasy—and the dilemma it posed; I’ve kept to my resolve and reminded myself scrupulously to not objectify anyone-or rather, not let them get a glimmer of what I’m fantasizing about. That might have been what saved me from missing a chance to make a new, pleasant acquaintance.

Thank goodness for self-awareness.

Originally posted on

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Sexual Freedom: A Call to Arms

This was first posted in my personal blog, but I think it fits better here. Every once in a while I get super-pissed off and need to rant about all of the pussyfooting I’m expected to do, just so other people feel comfortable. Why should I have to make you comfortable with my sexuality? Nobody recoils in horror when others make an innocuous reference to their heterosexuality. Reacting that way to anyone different is just plain ridiculous. It’s not as if I go around hitting on people indiscriminately. I don’t try to “convert” anyone. Sure, I wave my banner, but only when it’s relevant to the conversation. If the simple fact that I’m bisexual makes you uncomfortable, go away. If you don’t like that I don’t give a damn about someone else’s gender, sexuality, or orientation, go away. I wouldn’t want to taint anyone with my opinions and beliefs. Ignorance is far too precious to screw with. Anyway, here’s the original rant, uncut.


I used to believe that almost no one adhered to the strict hush-hush-missionary-only-no-hanky-panky norm. Over the years, though, I’ve been presented with evidence to the contrary. Like many people, I surround myself with friends and acquaintances who share my interests. I have a wide variety of interests, however, and different groups of people who share them with me. They very rarely conflict with each other. But sometimes I forget what a wide rift there can be between those who live “alternative lifestyles” and those who…well, don’t. Many of the people I associate with are sexually open, but there are those who feel very uncomfortable when they’re confronted with anything of an intimate nature, or even talking about it. My sexuality is accepted, but not spoken of, almost like a dirty little secret that everyone unofficially knows about. No one would be so crass as to throw that knowledge in my face. My sexual freedom is a tasteless indiscretion that’s been forgiven.

Fuck that.

I don’t give a damn that sexual repression is the norm. If nobody talks about it, northing is going to change. We’re amazingly lucky to live in this day and age where we have people like Sue Johansen, Susie Bright, Ducky Doolittle, Lou Paget, Tristan Taormino, and so who are willing to speak up about sex-positive issues. But without our voices, those of us who are sexually open, who choose to live so-called alternative lifestyles, who live on the fringe of society, the impetus towards changing ill-conceived sexual perceptions-and ultimately, achieving acceptance for everyone-is going to slow and perhaps stop. There are many “average joes” out there who will speak up against it, but so few of us who want to be outcast for speaking our minds. No one wants to be branded a freak or pervert. But someone has to be if a way is to be paved for the future. I am, every day. Word gets around fast when you’re a libertine. And you know, I just don’t care. As Ducky Doolittle said, the best way to live life is free from shame. No one can give it to you if you don’t take it.

What I do care about is this prevalent desire to subjugate other people’s life choices. I care about the pettiness and ignorance. I want others to feel free to be open and honest about themselves in any way they see fit. I want change. I want it within my lifetime. I don’t want to wait. I’m tired. Tired of exercising diplomacy when I deal with clients or acquaintances. Tired of proving my expertise in business to people who are trying to treat me as a kinky slut without a brain. Sick to death of condescending or lascivious attitudes towards me, personally, as a bisexual woman, and towards others who don’t meet socially acceptable criteria. I’m not asking anyone to out themselves or reveal private fantasies. I’m asking that we all work towards a shift in perception. You don’t have to wave a flag, you can change it in subtle ways. Stand by what you believe in. Don’t stay silent when someone denigrates a group with sweeping generalizations.

Audre Lorde summed it up best, “Your Silence Will Not Protect You.” Speak up. Change the world. The benefits are further reaching than you can imagine.

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What is this blog about?

Okay, I admit it: I signed up for a blog because I needed a YouTube api key. I wasn’t sure what subdomain to choose, so I typed in my main interest, not expecting it to be available. And yet, there it was:, open and free. You can believe I snapped it up immediately.

I’ve been toying with the idea of starting another blog that focused mainly on sexuality and gender issues, like Sue George’s Bisexuality & Beyond. I have been writing about these topics on my personal blog, but the posts are all mixed in with adult content. I’d like to give others a chance to read about sexuality without all of the sex. While bisexuality and sex might not seem mutually exclusive, the fact is, they are. They don’t go together like hand and glove. Bisexuality is a sexual orientation, not a kink. It would make as much sense to say heterosexuality is all about sex, sex, sex. We know there is much, much more to gender and sexual orientation.

I want to take this opportunity to let others get a candid look into my life as a bisexual. The more of us there are out there, talking about real issues and ideas, the more of a chance we have to change some of the misconceptions out there. We can make people think. If you have a blog that deals with these these and similar issues–no matter if you’re straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, intersexual, or anything else–and you want to join me, great! Drop me a line or leave a comment and I’ll link to you. I’d love to post a review and put you in my blog roll. Let’s network, baby!

Here is what this blog is about: gender bending, bisexuality, pansexuality (hell, all kinds of sexuality), social interaction, gay issues and rights, relationships, and much more. What do I know about all of this? Am I some kind of expert? I’m a bisexual woman, and these are my views on the subject. I want those who are curious about bisexuality–and sexuality in general–to have the opportunity to see beyond the media hype and misconceptions. I don’t just mean those who are bi-curious, this includes everyone who wants to know what life is like for a real bisexual woman. For too long bisexuality has been dismissed as a stopping point on the way to homosexuality or a subgenre of lesbian and gay porn. Society’s impression of bisexual people needs a face lift. This blog is about bisexuality, revamped.

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